If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
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me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.