If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
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Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
How do you like your Corgi?
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.