If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
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*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
I can’t stop watching this.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.