If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
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Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no