If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
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*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Mad Max Arctic Road
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad