If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
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I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.