@bazecraze: If vampires can't see themselves in mirrors, how do they trim those perfect goatees?
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@krisv_723: The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I'd have to poop in front of people in prison.
@Bownuggets: Some say I've "gone off the rails," or "left the reservation," or "screwed the pooch," or "mixed my metaphors," or "launched the hot dog"
@shashaintl: 10 year old: What was it like? Me: What was what like? 10: Being alive in the 1900's? Me: Go to your room.
@Jamie1947: Things I Suck At: 1. straws, ha ha jk lol 2. Parallel parking, no seriously, I'm really terrible at this 3. straws, haha same joke as before