@bazecraze: If vampires can't see themselves in mirrors, how do they trim those perfect goatees?
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@yobrah_: I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
@david8hughes: [lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars] "Hey--" *points to shooting star* "You've put on a lot of weight."
@Phantasmagoriax: If I ever die, my phone better go with me or there will be some pissed off people at my funeral.
@Ray_stephan: A 5 year old asked me what marriage is like. So I gave him a chocolate bar and told him not to eat it.