*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
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Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.