It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
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Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
absolutely not
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.