The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
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I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting