If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
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I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.