If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
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HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”