If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
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Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes