If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
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me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally