@Hurly_Burly: If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
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@MattOswaltVA: not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you 'like' all of your high school crush's Facebook photos
@TheBoydP: Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired? He thought he had job security...
@AndrewNadeau0: ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot. CLERK: This parrot is 80% off. ME: I will take 4 parrots.