@Miniwheats2012: If wandering off was an Olympic sport, my mind would be a gold medalist.
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@TheMichaelRock: Wife: were you even listening to me? Me: no Wife: then what did I just s...wait, what? Me: I said no Wife: I'm not sure what to do now
@afloodofblood: Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
@Turbo_Jimmy: *Wife thumps door* "I KNOW UR IN THERE! U BLEW OUR SAVINGS ON A SHITTY INVENTION, DIDN'T U?!" NO! *furiously flushes 1000s of dog-tampons*
@Reverend_Scott: dog 911: what's ur emergency? dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD? dog: [whimpering] dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass