If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
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Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson