DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
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Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Remember folks 😂
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad