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@kumailn: If Watergate happened today it would be called Watergategate.
@EndhooS: [describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
@AaronFullerton: *God provides manna from heaven*
"Is there gluten in this?"
@HatfieldAnne: Protestants sing every verse to every hymn. Catholics know this. We think about it when we get to the bakery 20 minutes ahead of you.
@mdob11: Men are like buses, they won't text me back.
@SarahFemme: The quickest way to find out the time is to order a beer at breakfast with your mother.