Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
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HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
Monday
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume