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Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
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[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
This will teach them to underestimate me
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”