Rambo Rambow
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I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Fixed this for Shakespeare
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Never let them know your next move 😂
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.