@100percent001: If we both go for the last slice of apple pie at the same time, I will bury my fork in your throat.
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@jonnysun: ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!! ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
@internetluke: [showing my family to coworker] This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack. "You named your daughter Jack?" Nope, mittens
@VodkaThursday: Once Prince dies there will be some freaky shit that comes out like he ate only butterflies or bathed in babies or something. Mark.My.Words.
@david8hughes: [job int] "Under skills u put 'not being afraid of pigeons'." [nervously shifts in chair] "That's right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?"