@100percent001: If we both go for the last slice of apple pie at the same time, I will bury my fork in your throat.
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@timdonakowski: Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
@KalvinMacleod: GENIE: and for your first wish? ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another GENIE: holy shit!
@OutOfLeftField_: Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches. Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
@meatlobes: Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles