1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
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Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.