@jonlovett: If we can't hit our kids, what's next? A society slowly becoming less violent as we learn more about child development and human psychology?
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@WheelTod: Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
@BillMc7: *goes on Facebook AGAIN* *reads 100,000th idiotic post* *thinks other people are stupid*
@SharkJelly: [1hr before date] Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say 'brave choice sir' and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken