If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
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My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
👾👾👾
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.