@Rollinintheseat: If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
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@zachheltzel: Never tell a psycho that they're psycho, because then they feel like they're obligated to prove it.
@jordan_stratton: PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released? ME: Crimes. PB: Excuse me? ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I'M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
@pharmasean: Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald's deep fryer