“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
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A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
i choose….tongue
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no