Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
You Might Also Like
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Hitlers gonna hitl
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
I’m listening
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out