“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
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‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
I feel this so hard
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore