“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
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Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
That de-escalated quickly
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
every college guy’s fridge
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
I am HOWLING at this
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
#JohnTravolta
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.