@OhNoSheTwitnt: If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine's Day I can't wait until Presidents' Day.
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@robdelaney: The contents of my son's last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
@ocourtneyno: When you accidentally type "me" instead of "my" I read your tweets as if you are a leprechaun.
@zachreinert03: I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it's cause family day never really took off