If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
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hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
181.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.