If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
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Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
People buying plungers never look happy.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining