If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
You Might Also Like
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Ron is short for Aaronald
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie