If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
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God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Incredible customer service.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…