@J0hnnyBlaze: If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That's how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
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@dlockw21: Therapist: Talk about your friends. Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine... T: That's a Billy Joel song. Me: You're no fun.
@what_eve_r: my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
@johntabin: Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
@Bnowaygirl: I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?