If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
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OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
That’s it.I’m out.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo