@J0hnnyBlaze: If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That's how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
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@XplodingUnicorn: Priest: Dying people are drawn toward a bright light. Do you know what that proves? Me: Dying people are moths?
@DurtMcHurtt: Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers. Me: *does "the divorce papers" in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY
@_Enanem_: I've discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it's inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
@JPHaddadio: When my neighbor's bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.