If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
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I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime