If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
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Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
need him
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
A roof is a house hat.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.