Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
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I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.