@donjuantip: If we start calling it 'potato juice', Vodka becomes a health drink. RIGHT??
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@RyanAndrewMitch: Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
@drewtoothpaste: me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn't he know what anything is me: 2018: calling my kid's mindcraft game "computer legos" is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
@Underchilde: When couples tell me they're taking their relationship to the next level, I just assume they’re gonna start throwing cutlery at each other.
@Smooheed: Stop screaming! I thought you'd appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower