@RobDenBleyker: If we weren't able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
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@Rollinintheseat: Interviewer: "Why do you want to be a librarian?" Me: "I like telling people to be quiet."
@briancthayer: Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
@greggjgc79: Excuse me, you with the heels that make your calves perfect, designer dress that accentuates your curves.... You have lettuce in your teeth
@mrkoodge: *at an AA meeting* "Hi, I'm Andy and I have a drinking problem. I have 2 hands and only 1 mouth. Lol." *gets aggressively escorted out*