If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
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*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.