“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
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Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.