@nachosarah: if we're on a date and you're rude to the waiter I'd be like holy shit I'm on a date
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@NottaBigDeal: I was listening to my wife argue with our 5 y/o. I didn't want to tell her he was right so karate chopped the TV to create a diversion.
@thepunningman: "Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?" Here's 10 reasons why I should get the job "ok" Number 7 will shock you "You're hired"
@: demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here me: haha yeah demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
@Chhapiness: Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks