@nachosarah: if we're on a date and you're rude to the waiter I'd be like holy shit I'm on a date
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@Thateverydayguy: Why is there a show called "When Animals Attack"? It should be called "When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals."
@HallpassCanada: Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick.....Till you're standing outside watching your house burn.
@rickolantern: The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there's no need for traps.
@causticbob: I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.