Still laughing at this stupid meme
You Might Also Like
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*