Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
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Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
Leaving the Barbers like
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever