If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
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A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Good morning
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school