If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
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Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.