@DontTouchMyWine: If we're talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I'm looking for an artery close to the surface.
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@AristotlesNZ: Cop: "You been drinkin?" Me: I'm going to dinner w/my wife's mom & 94yo granny "You're free to go.." Come on dude. Can't you just arrest me?
@XplodingUnicorn: My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket. Novice dad reaction: "You ruined your pants." Veteran dad: "Thank God. I thought it was poop."
@mattgallo123: This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you're wondering how I do with first impressions.
@jewfacekilla: "Wow you're one of the nicest old ladies I've ever met!"- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear