If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
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*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.