@krisv_723: If we've gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you've swam through my pee
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@JasonCarney31: "911 what's your emergency?" MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! "Okay. I'll send the police" *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY "AT MARIOKART"
@MumsieEsq: "DADDY!?!" (toddler calling out) Me: "Daddy's upstairs but can I help you with something?" "Yes. You can go get Daddy."