If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
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“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.