If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
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I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird