@MichaelLarrick: If white guys are day drinking, it's inevitable that they're going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
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@UnicornSyrup: Whenever people say "anything is possible", I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
@huntigula: Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone *guy with no legs throws rock* Jesus: Seriously? "You said 'without shins,' right?"
@KalvinMacleod: Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
@camelSWAG69: [walks into gym with my sunglasses on] WHATS UP LADIES *takes off sunglasses* damn it 3rd treadmill I've hit on this week